What’s He Like in Bed? – A Rough Guide to the Bedside Manners of the Human Male


By Marcel Feigel & Brian Heaton (Arrow Books)
ISBN: 978-0-09-944660-X

Warning: this book is rude and a bit nude, so if you’re of a sensitive nature and don’t think sex is funny it could all be a bit of a shock and potentially lead to the sundering of your dreams and life-long disillusionment.

As Winter Part III (This Time it’s Personal!!!) settles in around my oversized, sun-deprived ears, I again turn to an old cartoon book to inculcate a little warmth and cheer to my gloomy days. Here’s another little known collection of cartoons about British bedtime habits to tide us all over: at least if we have to submerge ourselves in duvets and cocoa we might as well have a giggle at the same time…

Of course it’s all really just one more excuse to bemoan the loss of those once-ubiquitous cheap ‘n’ cheerful cartoon-packed paperbacks which are now all-but-forgotten fossils of a once mighty industry; fast fading as the more palatable sounding Graphic Novels and Trade Collections carve a niche in our psyches and on our bookshelves.

What’s He Like in Bed? is a solid example of a lost art form: saucily-themed gag-books which were the last commercial gasp in a tradition of pictorial entertainments that began with Punch and evolved into a racy standby of British life for nearly a century before fading away to loiter around bargain bins, Jumble sales and junk shops…

This particular raucous, ribald and hilariously risqué treatise catalogues the ploys and peregrinations of that forgotten popular hero “The Guy Who Gets All the Girls” and thus contains lots of wickedly naked people making a mess, scandalising the neighbours, and generally letting the side down more than just a bit…

Masquerading as invaluable tips and hints, the assorted chapters fully expose the tactics and foibles of ‘The Truck Driver’, ‘The Customs Man’ and even ‘Country and Western’ fans before breaking for the first of a recurring exploration of inflatable friend aficionados, after which ‘The Translator’ and the ‘Stone Mason’ both fail to live up to the modern girl’s exorbitant and exaggerated expectations.

‘The Estate Agent’ soon gives way to ‘Inflatable Doll #1’ and ‘The Librarian’ to ‘Inflatable Doll #2’ before the urbane legends of ‘The Milkman’ and ‘The Footballer’ are finally tackled…

‘Inflatable Doll #3’ leads to a fully extended chapter on ‘The Macho Man’ (including especially some handy hints on ‘The Condom Moment’, ‘The Importance of Momentum’ and those all-important ‘Orgasm Restrain-Postponement Techniques’), before a brief interlude with ‘Inflatable Doll #4’ gives us all a moment to catch our breaths (big ones too)…

There’s an educational advantage to be had in dealing with ‘The Don’ (Oxbridge not Corleone) and the full SP on ‘The Jockey’, whilst ‘The Detective’ and ‘The Barrister’ reveal facets of human nature best left vague, whilst both ‘The Dentist’ and ‘The Airline Pilot’ act just as you’d suspect – even if ‘The Bishop’ doesn’t.

Also on show are the habits of ‘The Farmer’, ‘Inflatable Doll #5’, stage magician ‘The Great Popoff’, the secrets of ‘Corporate Life’ in the Post Room, for Middle Management and even under the Chairman but as always ‘The Actor’, ‘The Policeman’ and the truly disturbing sight of glamour icon Margaret Thatcher as ‘Inflatable Doll #6’ act as sure signs that those so-different times are gone forever.

Still with secrets to conceal are ‘The Taxi Driver’, ‘The Accountant’, ‘The Athlete’, ‘The Computer Man’, ‘Frenchmen’ in general, ‘The Vicar’, ‘The Disc Jockey’ and ‘The Photographer’, but eventually even modern men need a bit of a rest and the lecture concludes with ‘The Revenge of the Inflatable Doll’…

Dedicated to the certain premise that (other) people’s sexual exploits are simultaneously better than yours and still truly hilarious, this snappy little monochrome tome is a cut above much of the era’s rather tawdry treatment of the subject, superbly rendered and still marvellously entertaining even in these liberally licentious times – and for a change, this one is still readily available from a range of internet retailers…

British cartooning has been magnificently served over the centuries by masters of form, line, wash and most importantly smart ideas, repeatedly poking our funny bones, pricking our pomposities, stroking our happy places and feeding our fascinations, and this sort of thing used to be bread ‘n’ butter in our game. We’re all going to really miss them if they do disappear forever, so why not find a shy, alluring little bookshelf and start filling it with mucky material like this…
Heaton is a competent artist in the modern style and the gags range from contrived to fiendishly clever, all delivered with easy charm and utterly without text – never an easy job in cartooning. If you find this book or anything similar give it a try, as you really will miss them once they disappear forever.
© 1992 Brian Howard Heaton. All Rights Reserved.